As I look to replace my late assistant, I realize that a suitable description of duties is difficult to define. It is far simpler to identify the responsibilities that my new assistant should not be prepared for:

1. Fetching me coffee. This is far too menial a task.
2. Pre-tasting my food for poison. A man should taste his own food.
3. Creating my mix tapes. I have a specialist for this.

Anything else is fair game.

For your numerous and sometimes perilous obligations, I have arranged a generous compensation package. The successful applicant will receive:

• A stipend of $2,500.
• A role in a Dos Equis commercial - I will be abyss-diving in the South Pacific at the time.
• Three cases per month of my preferred beer, Dos Equis.
• Premium merchandise such as a fine tuxedo and a resilient wetsuit.
• Travel and attendance to several top events. Details are to be determined, as I haven't decided whether to take NASA up on an assignment or keep my courtside seats.
• A lifetime of invaluable experience.

If you are interested, begin the application process here.

Learn about the Application Process.